The Time That Never Was

I listened to George Harrison’s first solo album All Things Must Pass today. It was a long album, so it took me all day, listening to it whilst driving around the valley. I listened to it today because it was probably my brother Addai’s favorite album. I remember one time when I told him that I thought maybe I was starting to like John Lennon’s first solo album more and he thought that was so blasphemous :)

Addai passed away four years ago today, on April 9, 2018. Each time this day rolls around my family winces, bracing for what will surely be a hard day. Ever since I moved away from them it’s been harder. But with the advent of Facetime it’s not too bad.

I’m not sure why I’m writing this except that I realize that I don’t often post about Addai or my grief, and that’s something that really defines me as a person. I think about him everyday. And I think about that day every day. And this year I thought that I would say something, maybe just to let people know that it’s okay to talk about things like this. That that’s what social media is most innocuously for. Sometimes it’s nice to have a vaguely anonymous audience to vent to. It’s nice to know too that you’re not alone.

Despite my love of John’s first album, both me and Addai were hardcore George Harrison fans. I once was gone for a long time and wrote my family members little messages for them to read every day I was gone (a practice my mother instilled in me). For one of Addai’s days I quoted lines from George’s song Behind that Locked Door. I said if he was feeling down just listen to this:

It’s time we start smiling

What else should we do?

With only this short time

I’m gonna be here with you

The love you are blessed with

This world’s waiting for

So let out your heart, please, please

From behind that locked door

After he died, that note was found in his backpack. He kept it with him at all times. I never meant it as anything serious. I just knew he’d get the reference. But I like to think that in times of trouble, maybe George’s words gave him comfort.

When that song came on today, during my listening of the album, it was like…. I don’t know. Something. I wish George Harrison was still alive, so that maybe one day I could tell him what that song means to me, how it connected me and still connects me to Addai. But somehow, I think George knows. And Addai does too.

George Harrison’s last album was released a few months after he passed. The liner notes quoted the Bhagavad Gita:

“There never was a time when you or I did not exist. Nor will there be any future when we shall cease to be.”

People say “you will see him again.” I know. I see him every day. I see him in every car that lets another in, every father who holds hands with his little daughter, every pedestrian who stops to give even the littlest amount to a homeless person. I hear his humor in my favorite TV shows, feel his love in every love I feel. I heard him today when George’s song came on.

There never was a time indeed, nor will that future ever come to pass. You’re always with me. And I’m always with you.